Middle of the road

Middle Age.

Two words that are not so much frozen in time, as frozen time, themselves.

That time in your life when deja-vu is true, because you’ve been there, done that, and tried the t-shirt on for size. It’s the time of life when the hairs – sorry, stray eyebrows – on your chin sprout white, and jelly belly happens even when you have not eaten any.

It’s the time of your life when you unconsciously rhyme most sentences in a fey attempt at humour, and make atrocious puns in the vain hope of raising a wry grin from your readers.

Middle age is a time when the kids, if you have any, are torn between admitting you were right, after all, and wanting to prove you were wrong, with their own brand of twisted logic.

It’s a time when your brain drains and you have to send out questionnaires to your friends in order to compile your blog…. and then cheekily assemble the five dozen plus one results alphabetically so that you can pretend they are your own brainchildren…

  1. At cafeterias, you complain cappuccino froth is too tough to chew;
  2. At the airport they say you are over-weight, and you’re not carrying luggage;
  3. Conversations with people your own age often include lists of medications;
  4. Dinner and a film constitute the whole date instead of the beginning of one;
  5. Gardening has become a big highlight of your life;
  6. You keep repeating yourself, repeating yourself, repeating…
  7. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump;
  8. It takes all day for those “sleep marks” on your face to disappear;
  9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “casual chic”;
  10. Most of the time you’re at your pc it’s because you’re working;
  11. One of the pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle in disguise;
  12. People treat you as everyone’s grandmother;
  13. Small children refer to you as “that really old person”;
  14. The waiter asks how you’d like your steak – and you say “pureed;”
  15. When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out – and it stays out;
  16. When you get a little action, it’s because of the prunes;
  17. You call menstruation ‘the blessing’ rather than ‘the curse’;
  18. You run out of breath climbing a bus;
  19. You believe black Lycra makes you look slimmer;
  20. You eat cereal at breakfast time
  21. You actually read the small print in any contract you sign;
  22. You almost regret your tattoo, even though no one can see it;
  23. You arrive home early enough to garage the car;
  24. You avoid looking at yourself from behind in a full length mirror;
  25. You begin every other sentence with, “In my time…”
  26. You can talk to strangers and flirt without appearing to do so;
  27. You decide to wear white tights with black shoes, or vice versa;
  28. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large – in that order;
  29. You don’t get up for old ladies on buses any more; they get up for you instead;
  30. You don’t know what time the last bus leaves Pacevilleany more;
  31. You feed your dog Atkins Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers;
  32. You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep;
  33. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14;
  34. You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden;
  35. You discover that the pharmacy sells denture cleaner as well as prophylactics;
  36. You have to wear glasses to read the newspaper;
  37. You keep food as well as beer in the fridge;
  38. You cook for all the neighbourhood cats;
  39. You light the candles on your birthday cake and the smoke alarm goes off;
  40. You look like death warmed through, even with full make-up on;
  41. You prefer pop-socks to tights – whatever the length of your skirt;
  42. You remember the time your phone number had five digits;
  43. You sleep during an action film;
  44. You speak your mind even when it’s obvious you mustn’t;
  45. You start scribbling sums that involve pensions, gratuities, and insurances;
  46. You start video-taping telenovelas;
  47. You stop filching hubby’s vests to use as t-shirts, and use t-shirts as vests;
  48. You stop using sexy lingerie as outerwear and use outerwear as lingerie;
  49. You think it’s too much bother to de-fuzz so you wear dark tights… again;
  50. You think someone is stealing an hour from you when the clocks go forward;
  51. You think you have lipstick on your teeth when a hunk gives you the eye;
  52. You tune into the easy listening programme – on purpose;
  53. You wake up at the time you used to go to bed;
  54. You wear desert shoes or flip-flops to go to the shops – and take them off on the car;
  55. You’re the one calling the police because the kids next door won’t turn down the stereo;
  56. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up;
  57. Your houseplants are alive, and you never use them as a mini ashtray;
  58. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar – a week at a time;
  59. Your new easy-recliner has more options than your car;
  60. You watch a TV game show and you know most of the answers;
  61. You are now sagely and complacently nodding agreement with most of the above.

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