Santa’s Blog 5

Arsenic and Old Lace has a plot that these days would be considered politically incorrect, since it shows depends upon the foibles of several people who are not mentally stable (“eccentrics”) for its dénouement. Cary Grant’s shouts “Can you hear me? I’m not really a Brewster. I’m a son of a sea cook!” and the taxi driver counters this with “I’m not a cab driver. I’m a coffee pot.”

At one point, Cary Grant, as Mortimer Brewster the drama critic is sitting by a tombstone that bears the name Archie Leach. Film aficionados would know that Grant’s real name was Archibald Alexander Leach. Just for the record, the final scene in the script of the play had Mortimer’s two maiden aunts pour some of their infamous elderberry wine for Mr. Witherspoon, the Manager of Happydale Sanatorium. This was eliminated from the film version.

Right now, the only names I can remember are rabanadas (fried toast); lebkuchen
(chewy, honey-flavoured cookies with candied fruits and nuts); kourabiethes (shortbread with almonds & cinnamon); and bibingka (coconut and rice flour pudding)… The Missus tried them all today and of course I had to sample them. I also ate a handful of surströmming (fermented Baltic herring) and some salmiakki (salty liquorice) and I’m feeling a mite queasy.

For many people, it is a mater of pride that they can name names – not in the usual sense of the expression, but in that they remember the names of characters in obscure indie films and poems, and the lesser-known characters in Shakespeare’s plays (Aemilius, Boyet, Egeon…) as well as Biblical personalities (Nehemiah, Jadon, Josiah…).

It is easy to remember that Rudolph’s girlfriend is called Clarice. But many stumble when they are asked to name Santa’s team. Nerdology requires that not only does one remember them in sequence, but that one never forgets Olive. As in Olive, The Other Reindeer immortalised in Vivian Walsh’s book that had a Jack Russell Terrier as Olive. The Robert L. May story that later became a song by Johnny Marks gave us Rudolph – who was had very nearly been called Rollo or Reginald instead.

The poem ’Twas the Night Before Christmas names eight reindeer; Dasher (or Dascher); Dancer; Prancer; Vixen; Comet; Cupid; Donner (or Dunder or Donder); and Blitzen (or Blixem). Dunder en Blixem literally means “thunder and lightning” in Dutch – but the phrase is also idiomatic for “get a move on!”

This explains why some people say that the sled was pulled by six reindeer, and what followed their names was an order to hurry up. As for “Vixen” being the given name of a male reindeer… well, that is another story altogether. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. So it might have been that there was at least one female reindeer in the team (many of the names appear to fit either gender, too).

The Missus takes it for granted that some of the reindeer are female; she says that otherwise, since males never ask for directions, the presents would never get delivered on time. Well, I’ll show her; it’s high time I broke in my new hovercraft snow-car anyway; much better than you know whose eight-reindeer-powered sleigh.

Heard on the Grapevine

https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/tanja-cilia/

“Do let’s!” he said. “It will be fun!” he further encouraged me. I nodded and smiled, as he knew I would.

He lobbed a heavy tome, a printout of the “Wine Tourism in Spain” website, at me. “Wine? What’s wine?” I asked, intrigued by the sight of so many funny misshapen trees (“vines” he said) all planted neatly in orderly rows, in one place, rather than growing haphazardly, as they do here on Melita.

“You’ll find out soon enough…” he said. Oh, yes. We were, after all, the Ambassadors for our Planet, and we were due to leave in… ten planet-turns and counting. As for myself, though, I could never see the point in not eating fruits and vegetables fresh-raw.

I riffled through the pages, and frankly, I was disgusted. I never ate pickles or dried fruit – so how could I be expected to like preserved (“fermented” he said) grapes that, moreover, would have been squeezed and squashed into gloop (“pulp” he said)?

All this had started as a joke. I had been asked to invent a new beverage to celebrate the fact that our Astrology Department had beat the Astronomy Department in the Twenty Questions Finals.

It was supposed to be easy as pie (he said) – but of course I never eat pie. So it might turn out to be a tad difficult for me.

I opened my cooler-box, and I saw jabuticaba and pitaya and safou and marula, freshly picked from my garden that morning. I was going to make kebabs, to go with the snake steaks I was marinating in my Secret Sauce.

I was still ruminating on the squeezed and squashed grape pulp thingy, so I had this brilliant idea to pulverise a pawful of each fruit to make something new. I tasted the resulting concoction and it sort of lacked zing, so I added a pinch of purple pepper, and flew with a pitcher of it, to the Staffroom, to get Beta Opinions, as I always do when I come up with a new recipe.  

They made me take out a patent immediately. They raved over it, though I say so myself. I am already in talks with the Marketing Department, because, apparently, it’s that good.

I said that, judging by their reaction, it must be the best drink in the Multiverse, and that is where it became an All Systems Go thing, because The Boss called, pronto, the Engineering Department so they could invent packaging that would withstand the test of time (relatively speaking) and distance (astronomical). It wouldn’t do to arrive on Earth with slushie dribbling from the ceiling of the Ship, would it now?

Time warps make travel easier and faster – but they wreak havoc with my digestive system… and with my hair. But I reckoned the experience was worth it – and it would look good in my memoirs.

We had a brilliant send-off. Everybody who was anybody was at the launch – and they all asked me to bring back photos of people and animals, so that they could compare and contrast… they didn’t quite believe what they saw on the Intranetworks, because they assumed that each planet put out a false front so that tourists would be eager to go and visit. This was in the days before Covid-19, and Penta-28, you understand, where interplanetary travel was just the thing to cure ennui. 

I told them that if this were the case, the Interplanetary Council would sue for Fake Advertising, but they just shrugged.

To make a long story short, after six months’ earth-time travel, we landed at the Aeropuerto de Málaga-Costa del Sol.

The formalities over, we were finally able to take a shower in water that was weirdly transparent, and nothing like the delicate pastel pink of Melita. We had a lot of time to kill, because the first Conference was on the morning of the morrow. So obviously we expressed the wish to go on the tour that had mentioned Verdejo white, rosé, oak-aged young wine, “and many others”.

A proverb oft quoted on Melita says “Some drink deeply from the well of knowledge – others just gargle and spit.” I had never seen it happen literally, but here I saw it happen with the wines… and I did it myself. It was patiently explained to me that if we downed all the wine samples presented to us, we would end up sozzled (“drunk” he said, but I was none the wiser). We didn’t, at that stage, have alcohol on Melita, so I had to take their word for it.

So, I learned a whole new lexicon; words like almacenista, blanco, bodega, crianza, granvas, mistela, reserva and many words that now roll mellifluously off the forks of my tongue…

I discovered that I liked best the sparkling wines with high acidity, but I could not decide which I preferred – Champagne, Prosecco, Cava or Lambrusco. I did ask whether I could take samples home with me, but I was told that the gas would expand and the glass would burst into smithereens, and get into the warp drives of the computers, and we might end up in a parallel universe. I wasn’t taking any chances.

Unbeknownst to us, our hosts had arranged a treat – fish & chips (my first time ever eating a cooked vegetable, and I quite liked the combination of crunchy outside and soft inside) and bubbly (which is what they call this expensive wine, how weird) on tap, on a visit to La Mancha and the windmills of Don Quixote, who I thought was called Donkey Shot, the way our hosts said it… and then I saw it etched on a plaque, (“a prophet” he said).

I bought a couple of books on oenology to take back with me to Melita. Whatever happens with the mining treaties and space exploration enterprises, I am going to make sure that the wine industry will flourish in Melita, my beautiful home Planet. 

If we talk chalk, our soil is similar to that of Pouilly and Sancerre in the Loire Valley, Chablis in Burgundy and Aube in Champagne.

And humans will be human, after all. I sold them the formula for my slushie at a tidy profit, and they threw in a package of some prime vine cuttings and cultivars for my own use.

The flavour of my fizz will be out of this world. Bu I will never say from where I got the vines and stuff. Can you keep a secret?

Home Thoughts, From Abroad

https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/tanja-cilia/

If I could turn back time… I would do it all again, with one minor exception.

But let me start at the beginning. I live in The Red Bay – Il-Bajja l-Ħamra as they call it in colloquial Maltese. Actually, it’s Ramla Bay, situated between Xagħra and Nadur, in Gozo, Malta, the archipelago bang in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea.

This my abode, a Cave, in the cliff-face facing the bay on its western side, remains mine and mine alone, because I keep out of sight of the madding crowd across the channel.

In the future, you will hear of Homer’s second epic poem, the Odyssey. In the fifth book, he will tell of how Ulysses, the Greek hero came to Ogygia and spent seven years with the nymph Calypso – that’s me.

Having fought for ten years in the siege of Troy, Ulysses wanted to return home to Ithaca, where his wife Penelope, his son Telamon and his father Laertes were waiting for him.

But in similar circumstances to those that were to befall the Apostle Paul many years later, Ulysses’s ship floundered in one of the notorious stormy gales of the Mediterranean.

His vessel was struck by a thunderbolt that killed all his crew. For nine weary days, as he told me, he steered his battered craft towards the speck on the horizon.

When he landed, he revelled in the surroundings – he wrote in his diary about how the balmy air was scented with cypress; delicious fruits grew upon trees the likes of which he had never seen before; and how four streams of cool water converged into a fountain that gurgled to fill the air with its melodies. How poetic. I could not have put it better myself.

At first, he assumed the island was uninhabited. Then, trudging inland, he heard the sound of singing, and he caught sight of several nubile dancers, as he succinctly put it, in diaphanous gowns, dancing around a fire, over which hung a big pot bubbling with an exotic brew of herbs and spices. Ulysses would give Homer a run for his money, on the literary front.

The main attraction of what he privately termed Arcadia had to be even more fascinating, he thought, than these dancers. And so, indeed, I was.

Out of a cave, the entrance of which I had partly curtained off with vines bearing luscious grapes each as big as a baby’s fist, sauntered the most beautiful vision – he said.

It must have been the combination of my aquamarine eyes and tresses that fell to the ground, as well as the surprise, that combined to make him gape.

“It’s rude to stare!” I said, in broken Greek, and he apologised immediately.

I clapped my hands perfunctorily, because of course I knew that my attendants were all agog, peeking from behind the bushes.

They scattered away to bring food, drink, and fresh clothes for the traveller.

Meanwhile, I hammed it up as best I could. I led him to a golden throne, and told him that I was Calypso, queen of Ogygia, and that he could be King, if he wanted to.

I told him he was welcome to live with me for evermore; this would give him the eternal youth and immortality that I had (Look! No wrinkles, even at my age!), and he would never want for anything.

But he insisted that once he was rested, he wanted to return home. How could he, when his ship was matchwood?

Ulysses remained with me in this love-hate relationship for seven years. I could see he was torn between wanting to enjoy the worldly delights I offered, and homesickness. Each day he prayed to his patron goddess Athena, to intercede with Zeus on his behalf.

The love of his life, Penelope, was meanwhile busy warding off those wooing her by knitting a garment during the day, and unravelling the stitches at night, claiming she would select a suitor when she was finished with it.

Hermes brought us up-to-date – because Zeus eventually decided to heed the prayers of Ulysses. He sent Hermes to me, with an Executive Order parchment to release Ulysses.

No one disobeys Zeus, or so I thought, at the time. I felt I had to help Ulysses gather wood to build a raft, and I loaded it with traditional provisions for the trip, as well as gifts for his family. I was very nice about it all, although my heart was breaking. For as they say, it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I even summoned Aeolus, biding him to fill the sails to take Ulyssus home safely.

Homer will not tell you whether Odysseus and Calypso had any children. We did. Some tales, written after the Odyssey, will say that I bore Ulysses a son called Latinus – but actually, he was the son of Circe.

Other accounts will say that I had two sons by Ulysses; Nausithous and Nausinous… but I would never have given my sons names that sound like “nausea”.

My children have made new lives for themselves, away from Gozo… so I will not be divulging their original or current names, lest someone decides to pursue the matter, and stalk them.

Some versions of my story will say that when Ulysses set sail, I died of grief… had I died, I would not be writing this, now, would I?

I gave Ulysses the traditional “Message in a Bottle”, before he left – in it was my poem, as follows:

Au Revoir is Not Goodbye

Ulysses, I loved you; I love you forever.

I offered you immortality

At the risk of losing mine

My dream was to make Ogygia

The jewel in the crown

Of Malta

I tempted you with wild thyme honey,

Capers, olives, grilled lampuki, and

Fresh sea-urchins,

Culled from the clear blue

Mediterranean.

But your heart was elsewhere.

Goodbye, Ulysses.

My dolphins swam with you

My nymphs sang to you and

You heard them –

But you were listening to her voice,

Which drowned them out.

I made this Island a perfect haven

But you yearned for her still.

My Hyades and Limonads and Petrads

Catered to your every whim.

But you wanted more.

You still craved her.

Penelope – I hate the sound of the name.

Absent, and yet she held the strings to your

Soul, your mind, your heart, your body.

Telamon will know his father again.

Goodbye, Ulysses.

My cypress groves will echo your voice for ever.

My Arcadia will echo no more with your steps

Ithaca will welcome her Hero once more.

I knew it would be so

When I heard the swish

Of Hermes’s wings

Bearing Zeus’s message.

Seven years passed by in a flash before my mind.

And then, conceding defeat,

I asked Aeolus

To summon Boreas, Eurus, Notus and Zephyrus

To take turns

And speed you on your way.

The red sand of my bay will remain in your mind

Forever.

The touch of your hands is imprinted in my soul.

You will tell of Xagħra and Nadur for the rest of your days.

And I will pine for you until eternity ends.

As soon as the raft disappeared over the horizon, I realised it was a mistake to let Ulysses go. The wrath of Zeus is piffling, when compared to my love for him. I know that, deep down in his soul, he, too, knows that leaving was a faux pas, and that, when all is said and done, he would rather have stayed here with me.

I spend my days on the beach, looking out to sea, till my eyes glaze over, pining for what could have been.

Sometimes, the glare of the sun makes me hallucinate, and I imagine billowing mainsails with two crowned fish (lampuki!) haurient addorsed, billowing in the wind, on each and every vessel that plies the seas. 

Oh! But this time I am not dreaming. Ulysses is returning!

Superheroine Emily

https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/tanja-cilia/

My real name is Emily Ħaġar; my Superheroine name is Emilymaltija.

I am not the only Superheroine, you know – there is a whole camaraderie (good collective noun!) of us… Stephanie Brown, Cassandra Cain, Olga Mesmer, Natasha Irons, Gertrude Yorkes, Jean Grey, Anna Mercury…

We all have different superpowers. Some of us can fly; some of us can read people’s minds; some of us can move things with our thoughts, and some of us are incredibly strong.

Some of us can breathe underwater; some can fight fire with fire, or water with water. All of us can cook and run fast.

I am Maltese, and I was born in the Stone Age.

Since you are reading this, it means, of course, that one of my Superpowers is Time Travel. I do not have a watch – but I have an hourglass, which is almost the same thing to those of us who can read The Sands of Time properly.

Whenever people need me, the sand in my hourglass begins to whirl around, as if there is a sandstorm. It speaks to me in a way that is at once ancient and modern, tangible and virtual. I look at it closely.

I see a picture, and a date, and I know where and when to go to help people who need me. I do not limit myself to helping the Islanders – but, well, they are my People, so they have priority.

Although I say so myself, I am the most intelligent Superheroine of them all, because some of my friends rely on their laptops or iPhones to receive messages. They laugh when they see me concentrate on my hourglass, because they think I am playing the fool They say Dust in the Wind cannot possibly mean anything – but I know better. 

I also have a Superpower that allows me to imitate the talents and aptitudes of others, albeit very little of it. For some reason, this capacity is only present when it is absolutely necessary for it to be available.

Let me give you an example. If someone’s cat is stuck in a tree, and I have to save it, I feel a surge of power from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers and toes, and I know that it’s there.

So, although I cannot fly, well, in a way I can, as I will explain later, I can imitate the cat and climb the tree quickly, without getting hurt, and speak Cat Language to reassure the cat that I am a friend. Some cats take a long tome to be persuaded to trust someone who they do not know, but eventually, after I would have explained it ten times, they cotton on to the fact that if they remain in the tree, they will not be getting any supper, and they will not b sleeping in their cosy beds.

Feral cats, of course, do not have any beds to go to – and I have been scratched by many of them… but it’s an occupational hazard that I don’t mind; as long as I do my duty, everything’s all right.

While I am still in Car Mode, I leap down from the tree with the cat in my arms, and land on my feet.   

I feel another tingling in my arms and legs, and I know that the Imitation Superpower has disappeared for the time being.

Some of my friends can become invisible. I cannot do that. But I have a Superpower that is as close enough to that as does not matter.

I can stand absolutely still, and people think I am a statue – like one of those Mimes who cover themselves in clay sludge and stand at the entrance to shops, so people take photographs with them, and leave money in an upturned hat.

My extra-sharp hearing gives me the ability to hear whatever they say, and then I report it to the Police. I often leave documents in the letter-boxes of Police Stations, with records of what I would have heard, and sign them “Your Secret Friend” and I read in the papers that the criminals would have been nabbed because of “information received”.  

But the Superpower I love best is the gift that I have to cure and heal people. Last Wednesday, for example, a woman was run over by a car, as she was crossing the road on a zebra crossing, if you please. The pedestrians screamed so loudly that I was instantly made aware of the accident.

I zoomed to the site, and until the ambulance came, I aligned the broken bones in her arm, and mended it, and stroked her cuts, and they healed immediately. Nobody noticed what I was doing, and when the orderlies came up to her, they were surprised that there was huge amount of blood on the ground, but no indication from where it had come.

Since Malta is an Island Republic, I can swim very well. I also have a Superpower that allows me to breathe under water. So, when the sea is rough and there is an accident, and people are in danger of drowning, I can rescue them without having to wear bulky sub-aqua equipment.

As I said, flying is beyond me. My weapon of choice is the bow-and-arrow set. One of the arrows is special. I aim it toward where I want to go. As it flies, an invisible rope unwinds from the haft, and then I slide along it and arrive at my destination.

Sometimes, but not always, I can walk through walls. Like the other power, it only emerges when it is absolutely necessary, like when I have to save a Damsel in Distress, and she is locked inside a castle.

Since I am a book-worm, it is a good thing I have night vision. When my parents say “Lights Out”, I can still read in the dark.

Apart from that, I can understand a thousand languages, partly because Maltese has a lot of words from different languages in it. I can also understand the language of all the animals I have saved so far – I do not know whether I would be able to understand the languages of those I have not yet met… but I assume I could, given my derivation-imitation Superpower.

My ninja friends have taught me martial arts, and I can do magic tricks too, but those are not really Superpowers – I just use them to entertain children at parties, which I attend when I am not on a Mission.

I Wish I Could Tell You…

  • It’s totally bizarre, really. Who would have thought that what she ate would lead them to me?
  • Oh, science, these days; it’s almost miraculous.
  • I mean, I made sure that the table I chose was one of the two that is not covered by security cameras. Remember, I had worked as a Manager at the Hotel, so I knew all the insider information.
  • But surely you knew that there would be an autopsy?
  • I did suspect that Bernice would smell a rat. As a forensic analyst, the case would interest her, but never in a million years would I have expected her to ask to be present…
  • Well, she was Donatella’s friend, so…
  • Yes. She was in the right place at the right time, apparently. When I saw her being interviewed on television, I knew my goose was cooked… erm…
  • Quite. I saw her, too, and I remember saying how she gagged when she smelled the contents of Bernice’s stomach.
  • I couldn’t understand how the food was not digested. I mean, we’d had our… last supper… hours before, and then we went for a drive, and watched a film…
  • Nothing strenuous. Just sitting around.
  • Yes. If only I’d suggested we go swimming instead. If only we’d had sex. If only we’d taken a bike ride…
  • Or, to put it more plainly… if only you hadn’t taken her to lunch at a place where the signature dish is octopus cooked in whiskey and served over bucatini…octopus is hard to digest… and the carbs… well…
  • Yes. That put the final nail in my coffin.
  •  I find this stuff really, really interesting.
  • As you can imagine, so do I. Did you know that forensic autopsies began as a way to determine whether a person was poisoned, or had died of a heart attack?
  • Really?
  • Yes. I’ve had plenty of time to read up on it. Sometimes, you read stuff in the papers like “…the victim had his last meal five hours before he was found hanging from a tree, stabbed sixteen times in the stomach…” as if that’s relevant to the case. They’d know this because a meal is usually fully digested after six hours. This was one of the things that was mentioned in that series, Forensic Files.  
  • You never know, with all the odd things that happen nowadays… it might be a clue to what happened to him in the interim. But I would have thought that rigor mortis, decomposition, insect activity and the environs, would have been more important than the contents of the stomach.
  • That’s what I thought. Until this. Speaking of odd things…if you want odd things, I can tell you hundreds of stories that happened when I was working in the hotel.
  • Apart from the Mr and Mrs Smith type of trysts, I take it.
  • Oh, those were a dime a dozen. But I was alluding to the strange type of guests that turn up every so often. I could write a book. Correction – I could have written a book, had I been so inclined.
  • Yes.
  • Yes, what?
  • I mean – I’m sure you have plenty of stories to tell. Are you going to spill the beans?
  • Ha! Funny you should use that expression, speaking as we were, of the contents of the stomach.
  • Ugh!
  • Well, once there was this guest, a Very Important Person who used to be a Member of Parliament in his home country, who turned up with an expensive suitcase and matching hand luggage. How would not allow the bellhop to handle the large baggage, but tipped him handsomely for carrying the smaller one (which was very heavy, according to the boy) up to his room. When he checked in, he paid for a month’s stay in cash, in advance. We rarely saw his face, except sometimes when he went down to the garden, walked six times, methodically and rhythmically and obsessively around the swan pond, and then went back upstairs.
  • You don’t say! Who was he?
  • I wish I could tell you – but I can’t. We all had to sign an NDA… He had all his meals delivered by room service, and left his laundry in a heap outside the room.
  • How strange…
  • Yes. There was always a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign hanging on the doorknob, so the cleaners could not go in and clean… not even when he went for his constitutional.
  • So, the staff never got tips from him.
  • Oh, they did. He left envelopes with descriptions of personnel he would have noticed on the way up and down the garden. Stuff like “the tall girl with the fringe”, or “the woman with the red hair and glasses”, or “the short thin girl with the tattoo on her wrist” or “the Asian man with the ponytail”, or “the fat man with buck teeth”.
  • You’re having me on!
  • No, really. It became a kind of game to see who’d get the next red envelope.
  • I bet they haunted his corridor, just so that he’d see them!
  • It didn’t quite work that way. The persons who got the envelope sometimes would not even remember seeing him, and they would have been on duty in another part of the hotel.
  • Maybe he used binoculars to suss them out?
  • Could be. At any rate, when his month was over, it was as if he simply disappeared into thin air. The “Do Not Disturb” sign was gone. The Night Receptionist swore that he had not seen him leave, and the Night Staff said that the room had been in darkness all night. The door was locked, and they had to force it open when they knocked and he did not answer, because the Master Key would not work, for some reason.
  • Maybe he jumped off the balcony.
  • That’s what they thought, but the shrubs underneath it were intact, and the soil was not disturbed.
  • Oh, come on! He didn’t fly away!
  • Who knows? Let me finish, will you!
  • So, there’s more?
  • Oh, yes. As soon as they smashed the lock and flung the door open, they smelled this horrendous stench.
  • Blocked toilet?
  • Worse. They traced it to a wardrobe, and there, in the opened suitcase, was the dismembered body of a woman. The little baggage contained surgical instruments and a portable drill… and more. The inside of the wardrobe was crawling with huge winged ants.
  • Heavens above!
  • Yes. The Police were called, and it turned out that the victim was a teenager who had gone missing some three months before.
  • But there was nothing about it in the Press.
  • Of course not. It would have been bad business for the hotel. And the man had Connections – we all knew that. We valued our lives to much to tattle.
  • Was it… [redacted]?
  • No.  
  • No paparazzi, or internet, and no tell-all books, in those days.
  • As I said, we were all sworn to secrecy by the Management.
  • Ah!
  • What’s more, guests who were in that room often complained about nasty smells or noises. So, the Management made it into a storage room, but some of the housekeepers would not go in, even if they were newly employed and did not know of the story, because they said the room had bad vibes.
  • Ouch.
  • And although the telephone was disconnected, every so often the Front of the House Desk would get a all from that room, but nobody would speak when they picked up.
  • Mesmerising story. I wish we had more time to speak of these things.
  • Alas, we don’t. My Lethal Injection happens in just under 30 minutes. I told them I am allergic to midazolam, but did they listen…?

When in Rome

https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/tanja-cilia/

You know what they say about truth being stranger than fiction? Well, you can now officially start believing believe that it is true.

Having been (successfully!) operated upon for cancer was not enough – I went and caught pneumonia. My friends banded together and pooled their resources, and paid for my trip to Rome, where I was supposed to convalesce and come back to Malta in perfect health.

It’s not my fault one of the feral cats in the hotel grounds bit me, and scratched my face, when I went to pet him… but that’s another story for another day.

As it happened, I took the round-trip bus in Rome. And when I say round trip, I mean it. It was one of those buses that have the middle part sort of pleated like an accordion, so they can go round corners without much ado – plenty of corners in Rome. Bendy buses, I think they call them.

I was reading bits The Orient Express, in between looking out of the window now and again,  thinking that this would have been the ideal vehicle on which to kill someone – you just sit at the back, with a potential victim, when all the people are in the front half, and do the deed. Then you alight from the door serving the hind part of the vehicle, and Bob’s your uncle.

I liked the idea so much that I intended to write it into an episode of my tele-thriller. Yes, this was the other meaning of busman’s holiday. I know U had promised my friends to take it easy and relax, but my mind was bursting with ideas, and I couldn’t let them go to waste, now, could I?

And then it happened. You know how in another book – or was it another film? – Miss Marple saw a man strangle a woman on a train, and since a body was not found, the police assumed she was rambling, what with her being old and all?

We were just approaching Le Quattro Fontane (the Four Fountains) – that group of four Late Renaissance fountains located at the intersection of Via delle Quattro Fontane and Via del Quirinale, the most famous crossroads of the world – or so the Italians say. TMI, I know – but I want to put you, literally and figuratively, in the picture.

The traffic lights changed to red, and our bus stopped.

I happened to look out of the window just when another bus was coming the other way. It all happened in the blink of an eyelid. I saw a woman stand up, and thump a man on the head with what looked like a frying pan. Another man got up to help her, and they half-dragged, half-pulled him toward the emergency door, and chucked him out. The other passengers had by this time all crowded around the man and the woman. I gasped, and followed the body with my eyes.

Suddenly, from behind the sill of the Fountain of Diana (the only one of the four, as I later learned, designed by the painter and architect Pietro da Cortona, for the rest were the work of the fortuitously-named Domenico Fontana), up jumped a man dressed in black from head to toe like a ninja.

He put his little fingers to his lips – I am assuming he whistled in that shrill chav way I hate so much. A Black Maria-like car drew up, the driver hopped out, and together they struggled to lift the man into the back. Hecate would have been proud of them.

The traffic light changed to green, and the driver put the bus into gear again. We rounded a corner, and I became hysterical. I rang the bell frantically, but the driver did not stop.

I ran to the front of the bus, but with my schoolgirl Italian, I could not make the driver understand what I wanted him to do. The only word that came to my mind was “Basta!”

He shrugged in that peculiar Italian way, and repeated “Espresso, diretta, non posso fermarmi”, at least a million times. I couldn’t have cared less about his offer of coffee when we got to the terminus – I just wanted him to stop, so I said “Polizia” and he said something that sounded like “My my my!”. I had just witnessed a possible murder, and here he was, telling me I was making a fuss.

At the terminus, I got off the bus and called the nuns at the Convent of Saint Elisabeth, with whom I was staying, to come for me because I was sure I wouldn’t be able to make it back there under my own steam.

A couple of them came for me, and they saw how shaken I was, and they understood what I was saying because they spoke almost perfect English. They explained that the Round-Rome direct line will not stop, come hell or high water. What the driver had really said was “Mai!” which means “never” but he actually meant “Oh, shut up, you!”

Before we returned to the Convent, they drove me to the police station where I made a report about what I had seen. I could tell by their body language that the Duty Officers were making fun of me. It probably didn’t help that I was in the company of two nuns.

But just for the sake of propriety, they had to make sure that the law was seen to be being respected (read: their asses would be covered), just in case I wrote about it on Facebook. It is par for the course that omertà ensured none of the passengers, or the driver of the other bus, would breathe a word of what happened, lest some dark fate befall them.  

The wheels of justice grind extremely slowly in Italy. I had to stay there much longer than I planned, but I was given free board and lodging. Of course, my friends had plenty to say about all this. My Italian improved no end, in that time, and nowadays I can even follow those conversations where the final syllable of every other word is left out.

They had found the body two months later, when they dredged the section of the Tiber nearest the place I indicated. It was weighted.

Later on, the full story was splashed across the papers, on all three RAI television stations and on the Mediaset ones too, and I became quite the media star.

The woman was an Albanian hooker, and the man she attacked had been her john. The man at the crossroads was her boyfriend – an ex-client who wanted to give her a better life and had hatched the plan.

The pimp had been threatening to have her deported, because she was not earning him enough money, and she did not want to go back home.

This side of the Moon

https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/tanja-cilia/

I hid. They found me. “Don’t forget your toothbrush!” the armed guards had joked, after they had escorted me to my apartment, so that I could pack my hand-luggage.

I sighed. I’d yet to get used to how my newly-implanted haws functioned. It was a weird sensation, feeling them moving horizontally. I wanted to rub my eyes to get rid of what was not quite an itch… but I knew that my fingernails would probably burst my eyeballs, and where would I be, then? My employers told me that the nictating membrane was just the thing to stop me getting infections in the Orchard. I had done my research, and I knew that this particular body modification was as useful as it was important. But I resented it nonetheless. Oh, yes, I’d seen what happened to those who got something in their eye before the Operation happened.

A corneal injury was not pleasant. If sepsis, or what passed for such, set in, they would be relegated to the Underfloors, losing several castes in the process. The caterpillars we were harvesting were descended from Australian Lepidoptera. So sometimes, there was a throwback, and a couple of them developed one or two of those stinging hairs – fragile spines – which are really modified hairs anyway.

This happened, again and again, despite the careful genetic manipulation that was supposed to ensure it didn’t happen at all, ever.

Because to err was human, still. Stung by the splendour, to wreck a quote from Browning… Anyone whose skin came into contact with one of these urticating hairs developed a terribly itching, burning, skin irritation, and inflammation, and ugly papules.

There was worse: if the hairs were of the venomous kind, there could even be anaphylactic shock. Safety gear was supposed to be worn at all times. But you know how it is, sometimes you need to scratch your nose, and a gloved hand just won’t do. And of course, the bullies called you a sissy if they dared you to remove the gloves, and you didn’t.

One of the newest Operators, who’d had a panic attack and felt that the facemask was “stifling” her, had inhaled a couple of hairs, and I nearly died when they travelled to her lungs. She still had breathing problems – I could hear the slight wheeze when the girl was tired, nearing the end of the Shift.

But I pretended not to notice, and surreptitiously threw a couple of caterpillars into the girl’s pail every so often, to help her reach Quota.

If the girl told anyone she wasn’t feeling well, she’d have been demoted. I felt as if I’d been lumped with these…what had we called them back on Earth…? windscreen wipers…back in the day when vehicles did not have sensor-operated regulators for the Plexiglas…

Now I felt like an aardvarks, which, according to the Acroasia history tapes in the library, closed its second eyelid when raiding termite nests to protect their eyes – or a woodpecker, which closed them when pecking at tree-trunks to prevent their eyes from popping out of their heads because of the force.

I kept these thoughts to myself. Of course. It wouldn’t do to show I was a swot, a nerd, or a geek. I’d get bullied. Or worse.

Coming so soon after the titanium knee replacements, which were supposed to aid mobility and give staying power when I had to stand or walk for long periods of time, I assumed that the palpebra tertia insertion was almost a guarantee that the operation meant that I was destined to die here.

I would never be able to walk properly again in Earth’s atmosphere. To think what a good party-trick it would have been, though, to look directly into the sun and not blink. I envisioned a bleak future spent in picking fluorescent grubs off cabbages, with maybe a sabbatical when the weighing machine counted a billion strynes.

This was the stuff of legend, though; no one had ever managed it yet. And I didn’t like it one iota. But there was nothing I could do about it.

There were certain things androids could never do, despite the fact that the fine motor skills of this model were much better than those of their predecessors. Even though their pincer grasp had been improved, the wastage rate was way too high for the Company; so they had reverted to ‘hiring’ (read kidnapping) humans; one a year, from Earth.

Protein and trace minerals were important source of nutrition in a rarefied atmosphere. The caterpillars, which looked like animated jelly-beans, were genetically modified and imbued with added vitamins and minerals.

Ironically, just like the prickly pears of the Mediterranean climate for which I still yearned, the green grubs were the sweetest; the red ones the juiciest, and the orange ones the tartest. Colours had been introduced to make the caterpillars more attractive, and to differentiate the flavours. The Company had cornered the market. Gourmet packs of worms were sold by the millions. They were packed by the Model Granger Operators during the last shift of the day, nestled in a bed of pollen-sprinkled beeswax, and wrapped in gold film, because of the proven added medicinal properties. Gold is not inert here, as it was back on Earth. Talk about different realties.

Funny how the things you took for granted could be stolen from you in a split second.

Who would have told me that the contract I signed was mere doublespeak? Smoke-free environment. Employee benefits. Good Pay. Transport provided. Yeah, right.

All my fellow Orchard operators had been like me, back on Earth. Single, no family, between jobs. No one would file a Missing Persons Report for us.

Qualifications – or the lack of them – had had nothing to do with our being selected. Our situation was reminiscent of that horror story, in which a young medical student tries to buy a human skeleton on the Black market, and gets her own, delivered to her address, after she had been seized by the body-snatchers who had run out of graves from which to filch cadavers.

But at least we were still alive. For now. We cannot complain. We cannot join a Union. The Common Good Law saw to that.

I know that the haws do their work well, because I never had to rub my eyes because of the pollen here, as I had had to do on Earth, each springtime. However, I would gladly trade the previous discomfort, and more, with my air-foam bed and privileged status as Operator, here.

I pick a few more caterpillars off the cabbages, and smile wryly. Oh, the irony of it all. Back on Earth, the larvae were treated as pests. But on the Moon, they are worth their weight in platinum (there’s so much gold here that it’s practically worthless). The worms are a staple part of the diet in the Inhabited Planets in his Solar System and Beyond. I often wonder what the reaction would be, if someone keyed in the wrong coordinates on the delivery disc, and a package found its way to Earth.

The fattest, most succulent grubs were set aside for the Bosses. But there is nothing I like better than to pluck a particularly luscious-looking one and crush its head between my thumb and index finger, and then popping it into my mouth. It’s the same as how I used to eat limpets and sea-urchins when I went swimming. Didn’t some people eat locusts or octopus, raw?

Back on Earth, we said that a tailor was entitled to his cabbage. I knew that ‘cabbage’ referred to pilfering, not to the vegetable in Orchard Business. Wasn’t there a book by Harold Robbins which had this premise as the downfall of a merchant? The absurdity of my situation calls for a hefty dose of irony, does it not? It is my way of thumbing my nose at the Company, a silent protest for having been exported like a factory component and stripped of my dignity as a Human.

In the Mess, there had been gossip about how the Company was thinking of giving Orchard employees the tapetum lucidum, too. Were they trying to turn us into cats? Why on earth would we need yet another membrane in our eyes? What good would having reflective eyes be? And why should we be able to see well in semi-darkness? Were the Bosses intending to lower the level of light on the Orchard, yet again, to save on energy and power bills?

I was made of stern stuff. I had developed my own mantra to get myself through the humdrum repetitive work of endless days. I recalled the rhyme from my History Lessons, which was supposed to help children remember the names and order of British Monarchs; Willie Willie Harry Stee; Harry Dick John Harry Three; One Two Three Neds, Richard Two; Harrys Four Five Six….then who? Edwards four five, Dick the bad; Harrys (twain), Ned Six (the lad); Mary, Bessie, James you ken, Then Charlie, Charlie, James again…Will and Mary, Anna Gloria, Georges four, Will four Victoria; Edward seven next, and then, Came George the Fifth in nineteen ten; Ned the eighth soon abdicated, Then George Six was coronated; After which Elizabeth, And that’s all folks, until my death. The piped muzak gets on my nerves. I rarely talked to the other Operators. I do not want to waste time, and in any case, their conversations are mostly a mixture of inane chatter, their own interpretations of what they would have seen on the Videoscope the night before, and idle gossip. On their part, they think I am stand-offish, if not downright weird.

That Was Yesterday, as Donna Fargo sings.

But I always had a Plan; as they used to say back on Earth, “There’s an Application for That!” I am now the ultimate Model Granger Operator, one step up from Shop Floor Operator.

I meant to work my way up the ranks until I was no longer on the factory floor. The kitchen would do nicely.

Lunch on that particular day I am writing about was crowder pea stew, corn-on-the-cob, and cucumber raita. Most of the Operators grimaced; but I cleaned my plate; not because I really wanted the food, though. I wanted to make a good impression on the Company, for I sensed there were CCTV cameras hidden unobtrusively here and there, which caught every movement the Operators made during Recreation Time and Eating Time.

I had practiced my deadpan expression to a t. It was perfect. Not one muscle twitched as I put my plate, glass, cutlery, and napkin in the Chute. On my way out of the Dining Hall, I bowed reverentially from the waist before the Company Logo; I knew this would make a further good impression on whoever was watching.

Most of the Operators just gave the Logo a perfunctory nod. I bided my time. Operators came – and went, never to be seen again. Talking on this job, go figure friendships, was frowned upon. This suited me just fine. Each day was much like the one before it. Follow the instructions, and you will be all right. Walk, select, pluck, weigh, sort. Walk, select, pluck, weigh, sort. Walk, select, pluck, weigh, sort. Walk, select, pluck, weigh, sort. I hated being on the packing shift, where I just had to sit down… and I was not adding to my quota of plucked caterpillars…

The notice stuck to the door of my Cubicle caught me unawares. ‘You have reached a billion strynes. You are cordially invited to attend Company Office at your earliest convenience.’ It was an order, not an invitation, and I hied off to the Administration Block. Little did the Company know it, but this was the beginning of the end – for them. I was offered the choice of a Reversal Operation, with a view to working in an exalted position on the Moon. I refused it, saying I did not want to face the knife – the laser – any more than I had to. It would, in reality, spoil my plans. That impressed the Administration, so when I asked for a transfer to the Kitchens, they did not refuse my request. I wrought my revenge over five dirths – about two Earth years – by introducing certain elements into the food meant for the Administration, that left cumulative effects.

Even when the illness was rife, the Medics could not pinpoint the cause. It would never have occurred to them to link the insanity, followed by suicide, to the most-hardworking Kitchens Worker ever.

And that is how the Moon was reclaimed for Earth; and this is the story my grandma told me.

Diary of a Teenager

https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/tanja-cilia/

I’m frazzled, and my brain’s fried.

How do they expect us to study in this abysmal heat? It’s not as if everyone can afford a summer cottage – or even air conditioning.

All this fan is doing is regurgitating the heat, and I cannot open the window because the mozzies will attack.

I flunked my maths test… again. How am I going to explain this to my mum? She with the doctorate in Applied Mathematics – she who thinks that I should be able to multiply a three-digit number by another three-digit number, in my mind, like my sisters do?

Oh, drat, she will have a good and proper hissy fit. She’s going to take away my Tablet – said she would. She’ll kill me – she said so herself! Such joy having a University Don for a parent – one who would rather walk through fire than let any kid of her show her up.

I wish I’d swotted, but now it’s too late for regrets. How I wish I’d never attended the Zoom Party on the eve of the test. It didn’t even occur to me to put water in the vodka bottle. 

It’s hot. I’d take another shower, but I can’t be bothered to.

Oh, good heavens, what do I do now? I could say nothing… but she has to virtually sign the report sheet. Oh, the irony of home-schooling that I so wanted, before it became an enforced reality…

And whereas I could falsify her signature in real life, I can’t forge her e-mail in virtual reality… And Sourdough is her Facebook friend, so there’s always the possibility that she might send Mum a private message about how I’m slacking. Or maybe mum might ask her whether I’m improving any.

Oh, double drat, I’ve well and truly caught it now. All I can hope for is that she won’t be in a foul mood when she gets home! I hope she’s not in one of her foul moods. The heat does not marry well with her menopausal hot flushes.

What’s today? Oh, goody, Thursday. After visiting granny at the Home she goes to Justin for the fruits and vegetables that she makes me eat with my chicken nuggets, “for balance”, as she says.

It’s so hot – and these period cramps aren’t helping my stress!

I will keep out of her way; I’ll heat a pizza in the microwave and so if she calls me down to eat, I’ll say I’m not hungry. Oh silly, silly me. Why did I give in to Jacqui and join the Zoom Party?

I knew I would not feel like even one quick once-over once it finished and we all “went home”.

Who needs maths, anyway? These days, even the kitchen scales are digitally calibrated, and you just add ingredients one by one… and the monitor displays the total weight and the added weight.

Writing – now that’s another kettle of fish. Writing is important. Press, media, literature, entertainment… there’s a world of words out there, ready to be devoured.

It really really hurts that Mum thinks my writing is rubbish, that it’s a waste of time. I’ll show her. Writing is so much more interesting than maths, than everything else really. I know that this is not something I can say out loud in front of her and Jeff, but hey, I have to find a job that somehow involves writing or I’ll die trying.

Journalist? Nah. Poets, like sort of Keats… they don’t earn much nowadays, do they, not unless they are what’s it they are called, the ones who may be dunces but who get their work splashed all over the show because they are the, erm, Poet Laureate, I think, yes, that’s it, because they used to put crowns of laurels on their heads, like champions of the Olympics.

I have a million stories in my head. I just need the time and motivation to write them down. Heaven knows my people-watching, and my friends, provide me with material nonstop.

Friends. Sheila, for starters…

I am so worried about her. I think she’s pregnant, I really do, but she’s not even looking in my direction these days, during Class Facetime, let alone trying to catch my eye and wink, as she used to. So how can I just up and ask her? I’ve seen her go green about the gills sometimes, and sort of retch and go off camera… I hope I’m wrong, but I have been watching her. I wish she would confide in me, but after the French homework business, she doesn’t seem too keen on connecting with me one-to-one, because she knows she should apologise first. I have made my overtures of friendship, but she’s too proud to accept them.

Jennifer. What’s wrong with her? Since her parents divorced, she seems to be spending more and more time making TikTok videos. She can cook, all right… but why does she wear so much make-up when she never does, at other times?

Marina. All this talk about moving in with her boyfriend is perturbing. She’s only met him online a couple of months ago, and I don’t like the way she talks about how possessive he is, as if it’s something good.

Sarah. The cancer has returned. Not good. And with this Covid-19, it’s already scary enough as it is, going to hospital for emergency treatment if you break your leg…

Oh, it’s hot. I’m too fed up to even think of getting off this chair to change my t-shirt.

Dulcie. Why has she shaved off her hair? Did she really think that we – or at least I – wouldn’t notice that she’s wearing a wig? If she did it in solidarity with Sarah, it’s all to the good. But, then, why the subterfuge?

These days I seem to spend more and more time worrying about anything and everything that happens to my friends.

I know that’s a symptom of depression; yes, I have been reading up on it… perhaps more than I ought to.

Probably that’s why I took it so badly that I failed the test – that, and because I know perfectly well that it’s my fault I failed. My mind keeps going round and round in circles.

It’s so hot in here. I’m suddenly not hungry enough to bother going downstairs to get the pizza.

Life sucks. I think I’ll end it all. I’ll save Mum the trouble – and the prison sentence.

Home Thoughts, From Abroad

If I could turn back time… I would do it all again, with one minor exception.

But let me start at the beginning. I live in The Red Bay – Il-Bajja l-Ħamra as they call it in colloquial Maltese. Actually, it’s Ramla Bay, situated between Xagħra and Nadur, in Gozo, Malta, the archipelago bang in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea.

This my abode, a Cave, in the cliff-face facing the bay on its western side, remains mine and mine alone, because I keep out of sight of the madding crowd across the channel.

In the future, you will hear of Homer’s second epic poem, the Odyssey. In the fifth book, he will tell of how Ulysses, the Greek hero came to Ogygia and spent seven years with the nymph Calypso – that’s me.

Having fought for ten years in the siege of Troy, Ulysses wanted to return home to Ithaca, where his wife Penelope, his son Telamon and his father Laertes were waiting for him.

But in similar circumstances to those that were to befall the Apostle Paul many years later, Ulysses’s ship floundered in one of the notorious stormy gales of the Mediterranean.

His vessel was struck by a thunderbolt that killed all his crew. For nine weary days, as he told me, he steered his battered craft towards the speck on the horizon.

When he landed, he revelled in the surroundings – he wrote in his diary about how the balmy air was scented with cypress; delicious fruits grew upon trees the likes of which he had never seen before; and how four streams of cool water converged into a fountain that gurgled to fill the air with its melodies. How poetic. I could not have put it better myself.

At first, he assumed the island was uninhabited. Then, trudging inland, he heard the sound of singing, and he caught sight of several nubile dancers, as he succinctly put it, in diaphanous gowns, dancing around a fire, over which hung a big pot bubbling with an exotic brew of herbs and spices. Ulysses would give Homer a run for his money, on the literary front.

The main attraction of what he privately termed Arcadia had to be even more fascinating, he thought, than these dancers. And so, indeed, I was.

Out of a cave, the entrance of which I had partly curtained off with vines bearing luscious grapes each as big as a baby’s fist, sauntered the most beautiful vision – he said.

It must have been the combination of my aquamarine eyes and tresses that fell to the ground, as well as the surprise, that combined to make him gape.

“It’s rude to stare!” I said, in broken Greek, and he apologised immediately.

I clapped my hands perfunctorily, because of course I knew that my attendants were all agog, peeking from behind the bushes.

They scattered away to bring food, drink, and fresh clothes for the traveller.

Meanwhile, I hammed it up as best I could. I led him to a golden throne, and told him that I was Calypso, queen of Ogygia, and that he could be King, if he wanted to.

I told him he was welcome to live with me for evermore; this would give him the eternal youth and immortality that I had (Look! No wrinkles, even at my age!), and he would never want for anything.

But he insisted that once he was rested, he wanted to return home. How could he, when his ship was matchwood?

Ulysses remained with me in this love-hate relationship for seven years. I could see he was torn between wanting to enjoy the worldly delights I offered, and homesickness. Each day he prayed to his patron goddess Athena, to intercede with Zeus on his behalf.

The love of his life, Penelope, was meanwhile busy warding off those wooing her by knitting a garment during the day, and unravelling the stitches at night, claiming she would select a suitor when she was finished with it.

Hermes brought us up-to-date – because Zeus eventually decided to heed the prayers of Ulysses. He sent Hermes to me, with an Executive Order parchment to release Ulysses.

No one disobeys Zeus, or so I thought, at the time. I felt I had to help Ulysses gather wood to build a raft, and I loaded it with traditional provisions for the trip, as well as gifts for his family. I was very nice about it all, although my heart was breaking. For as they say, it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I even summoned Aeolus, biding him to fill the sails to take Ulyssus home safely.

Homer will not tell you whether Odysseus and Calypso had any children. We did. Some tales, written after the Odyssey, will say that I bore Ulysses a son called Latinus – but actually, he was the son of Circe.

Other accounts will say that I had two sons by Ulysses; Nausithous and Nausinous… but I would never have given my sons names that sound like “nausea”.

My children have made new lives for themselves, away from Gozo… so I will not be divulging their original or current names, lest someone decides to pursue the matter, and stalk them.

Some versions of my story will say that when Ulysses set sail, I died of grief… had I died, I would not be writing this, now, would I?

I gave Ulysses the traditional “Message in a Bottle”, before he left – in it was my poem, as follows:

Au Revoir is Not Goodbye

Ulysses, I loved you; I love you forever.

I offered you immortality

At the risk of losing mine

My dream was to make Ogygia

The jewel in the crown

Of Malta

I tempted you with wild thyme honey,

Capers, olives, grilled lampuki, and

Fresh sea-urchins,

Culled from the clear blue

Mediterranean.

But your heart was elsewhere.

Goodbye, Ulysses.

My dolphins swam with you

My nymphs sang to you and

You heard them –

But you were listening to her voice,

Which drowned them out.

I made this Island a perfect haven

But you yearned for her still.

My Hyades and Limonads and Petrads

Catered to your every whim.

But you wanted more.

You still craved her.

Penelope – I hate the sound of the name.

Absent, and yet she held the strings to your

Soul, your mind, your heart, your body.

Telamon will know his father again.

Goodbye, Ulysses.

My cypress groves will echo your voice for ever.

My Arcadia will echo no more with your steps

Ithaca will welcome her Hero once more.

I knew it would be so

When I heard the swish

Of Hermes’s wings

Bearing Zeus’s message.

Seven years passed by in a flash before my mind.

And then, conceding defeat,

I asked Aeolus

To summon Boreas, Eurus, Notus and Zephyrus

To take turns

And speed you on your way.

The red sand of my bay will remain in your mind

Forever.

The touch of your hands is imprinted in my soul.

You will tell of Xagħra and Nadur for the rest of your days.

And I will pine for you until eternity ends.

As soon as the raft disappeared over the horizon, I realised it was a mistake to let Ulysses go. The wrath of Zeus is piffling, when compared to my love for him. I know that, deep down in his soul, he, too, knows that leaving was a faux pas, and that, when all is said and done, he would rather have stayed here with me.

I spend my days on the beach, looking out to sea, till my eyes glaze over, pining for what could have been.

Sometimes, the glare of the sun makes me hallucinate, and I imagine billowing mainsails with two crowned fish (lampuki!) haurient addorsed, billowing in the wind, on each and every vessel that plies the seas. 

Oh! But this time I am not dreaming. Ulysses is returning!

The Cinema of The Future

Screen.jpg

 

Dear Cinéaste, or Cinephile, or whatever you prefer to call yourself, the papyrus scroll said, you are invited to see for yourself whether cinema is the most beautiful fraud in the world, and truth twenty-four times a second…

And so it went on – a mish-mash of puns, quips, and quotations… money and ideas; content and style; beginnings, middles and ends… they all got a mention.

As media critic for The Sunday Times, I had been invited to the opening of Cutting Rooms, and here I quote – The Cinema of the Future.

I remembered when I had been invited to the launch of a now-defunct television station; the affair was held in a cinema, and the entertainment was a 3D ‘underwater’ film.

At the time, this had been a relatively new concept; the glasses we were given had one green and one red lens, reminiscent of the ones given out with comic books to make sundry dinosaurs, dragons, vampires, zombies, monsters of the deep, and aliens, stand out in Horrid Dichromatic rather than Glorious Technicolor. But I digress.

The combination of coloured lenses and underwater scenes in Coral Reef Adventure had made me seasick, and it was all I could do not to chuck into my popcorn bucket.

I therefore scanned down the page; had I found any mention of 3D I would have ticked the RO box under the dotted line and sent it off by homing pigeon before you could say Jean-Luc Godard.

For that matter – there was no mention of anything at all, rather than the aforementioned humorous spiel and promises of the moon and a bag in which to put it. Oh – and there was also mention that it would be a day-long event, and that finger-food would be provided throughout.

That having been said, I find nothing better than watching a film in the comfort of my own home – I can press Rewind and watch Gregory Peck look over Audrey Hepburn’s left shoulder as they ride the Vespa, as many times as I want, or try to imitate Hannibal’s hiss to perfection, and tick of items in lists such as Fifty Continuity and Anachronistic Gaffes in Indiana Jones (flight path map shows Thailand, which was called Siam at the time; Iran, Iraq, and Israel did not exist in 1936 etc.).

But sometimes, it’s fun to make up a party, watch a film, and have a pizza to round off the outing. It helps if you can buy the book of the film, because sometimes, the pictures are much better in one’s mind than those on the silver screen.

Cutting Rooms promised to deliver. What, I was eager to find out; would it be new, improved CGI with motion-capture technology? Would we be able to interact with holograms of Grace Kelly and River Phoenix? Would this be a retro drive-in cinema where Fred and Wilma would have felt at home?

No one had managed to winkle out any information about this Top Secret project; speculation was rife. So kiddo and I wore our best casual smart togs and set off for the event. We were not disappointed.

Cutting Rooms delivered. And how. Housed in refurbished warehouses in Qormi, there were different halls hosting different types of what was quaintly named “cinema experiences”.

The ticket concept was akin to that of the Arriva bus service; €6 would allow you to stay inside the cinema for four hours, and €10 allowed you to stay inside the complex for ten. A number of mini-diners would cater to you whether you wanted Maltese, Chinese, Indian, or European foods. Not a hamburger or potato chip in sight. Good. You could also purchase merchandising items.

Welcome to Malta” was the first room, and the focal one – a homage to all films wholly or partly shot in Malta. The screen was the visual version of sound-surround; a panopticon with pivot-seats for the audience, who could watch the action move along the 360o   screen if they wanted, by swivelling their armchairs.

Jerome Cachia, Managing Director, told me that it was based up on the Cinerama widescreen process, which as everybody knows works by simultaneously projecting images from three synchronized 35 mm projectors. The huge screen, deeply-curved, is made of hundreds of individual strips, like hi-tech vertical blinds.

And yes, there was 3D – and when the usher heard my sharp intake of breath and saw me turn on my heels, he asked what the matter was. I told him – but he insisted I give it a go since the technology had been much improved since the first films. And it was true.

The Interactive Chamber was all that, and more; it was like a big recording studio where you could make as much of your own film as you could manage in an hour, with sub-titles should you so desire, and then burn it on DVD, and take the montage home with you. A techie was on hand to help you use the equipment (and probably, to ensure you did not ruin it).

Another salon allowed you to watch Collaborative Cinema. The audience held thingummies akin to television remote controls in their hands, and according to how many pressed which button when the blue dot appeared on-screen, the action continued in the way selected by the majority.

For old times’ sake, one of the showrooms was dedicated to Silent Movies. Up till the moment I walked in, I had never realised how like Buster Keaton’s my sense of the ridiculous is. Opera buffs had their own theatre – decorated, of course, like an elegant drawing-room.

It was perhaps inevitable that there would be an IMAX Hall; this was certainly not the place for agoraphobics. The dome was cathedral-high, and the seating resembled that of a football arena (with the chairs being padded!). Just for the record, each frame is ten times the size of one in an ordinary film – and ear-muffs are provided at the entrance, to soften the sound just in case you think it is too loud.

But what had many members of the press drooling was the Visual Media Parlour. This had a number of side-by-side booths with the latest state-of-the-art immersion techniques. Sight, sound, and smell blended into a homogenous event, providing each film-goer with the ultimate experience. Wake up and smell the coffee just got real.

Of course, I was not there (only) to enjoy myself – I knew I would have to write it up once I got home.

So I took notes and chased familiar faces for quotations, and very soon I had enough material to allow me to enjoy Astérix & Obélix: Mission Cléopâtre – and the sushi.

Before leaving, we were given a Chinese folding paper moon – and a bag in which to put it.